I know this because I am guilty of it. I have suddenly “had a headache” when faced with a sexual proposition because there were chores to be done, makeup to be applied, or people to worry about. And I’ve learned that more often than not, my worries were ridiculous, or at less important than an orgasm.

I don’t buy into the myth that women don’t like sex as much as men. I do, however, think that women have less permission to experience sexual desire in its most messy, untimely forms. So I say give yourself permission to get your groove on, and don’t let petty excuses get in your way. There’s plenty of things to consider when it comes to sex, but a fresh pedicure shouldn’t be on the top of that list. Here are 10 bad reasons to not have sex.

1. I haven’t shaved my legs. It’s a lot of work perpetuating the myth that women are hairless, and it’s okay to take a day off.
2. I didn’t brush my teeth. He probably didn’t either.
3. The laundry isn’t folded. It will be more fun to do after you orgasm.
4. We only have 10 minutes. You better get started then.
5. The kids/dinner guests/in-laws are in the other room. Make sure there is Disney/wine/more wine available, and then do it quickly and quietly.
6. I’m not wearing sexy panties. It would be great if every sexual encounter corresponded to cute bra and panty day, but they won’t be on long anyways.
7. I’m not in the mood. Ever. Women’s sexual desire can be complicated. If you haven’t been in the mood for sex in a long time, you may actually need to have sex to jumpstart your libido. Or visit your doctor.
8. I have cramps. That’s too bad. But an orgasm will lessen the pain.
9. My belly looks jiggly. If we waited until we had perfect bodies to have sex, 99% of people would never get laid.
10. We’re not in the bedroom. Great! That sounds fun.

There are, of course, plenty of good reasons to not have sex. Here are a few.

1. I’ll have feelings for what’s-his-name if we do it. No one wants to be in love with a guy whose name can’t be remembered, so spare yourself the heartache and skip the casual sex.
2. I don’t have a condom. Safe sex is a perfectly good thing to wait for.
3. I don’t know where I am. Sweetheart, lay off the liquor and call a friend.
4. I’m about to cheat. Monogamy isn’t perfect; neither are you. But you should probably take pause before you cheat on your partner and consider the consequences, and why cheating is appealing to you in the first place.
5. I have a headache. It’s perfectly fine to not be in the mood. Or to opt for reading another chapter in your book or getting an extra 30 minutes of sleep.

Sex isn’t only the stuff of fairytales and romances; it can be messy, spontaneous, imperfect … and still a really good time. Don’t let worry over imperfections keep you from experiencing sex in all its forms.

Porn appears to be real bodies doing the real deed, so it’s much more interesting than its textbook counterparts. It takes a lot of time and re-learning to realize those bodies aren’t so real (and certainly aren’t average), and the real deed very often doesn’t look the way it does on film. And while the internet has created a market for more variety in porn, there are enough porn cliches that have entered the collective mind to create some lasting sex myths. Here are 13 myths about sex that we got from porn.

1. Deliverymen and repairmen regularly get laid by horny housewives. Wouldn’t everyone want these jobs if that were true?
2. 10 inch cocks aren’t that unusual. Except in real life. Penis size varies.
3. Women are hairless down there. Not without a lot of work, irritation, and makeup to hide the ingrown hairs and razor burn.
4. Condoms aren’t necessary, not even for gang bangs. Um, yes they are.
5. Women want men to ejaculate on their faces. Does your facial minimize pores and wrinkles? Then I don’t want it.
6. Anal sex is easy and painless - it just slips in! Anal sex can be enjoyable, but it takes a lot of prep and a lot of lube for it to be anything less than excruciating.
7. Women orgasm easily from jackhammer sex. It’s all about the clitoris, baby.
8. Men take a long time to orgasm. Only in fantasies do women come in minutes and men last all night.
9. Women always have screaming orgasms. Hint: it’s creepy if a man is totally silent while the woman is screaming like a dying animal.
10. A man can easily handle more than one woman. Hey, there’s no shame in trying, but there might actually be something wrong with you if you can boink 3 women with one erection.
11. Cunnilingus is better when your face is 6 inches from her clitoris, and your tongue is long and pointy. Cunnilingus for the camera is the least pleasurable act there could be.
12. From behind is the best sex position. Doggy style seems to be the grand finale position in most porns. It’s not always in real life.
13. It’s easy for women to deep throat. Not many women are into gagging blowjobs. Just sayin’.

There is a lot of variety in the desires, turn-ons, and pleasures of real people during real sex, far more than in any porn catalog. Don’t limit your experiences by buying into sex myths that you picked up in junior high from porn. That way, if you ever do come across that mythical ten inch cock or woman that loves facials, you’ll appreciate it all the more.

• Bare skin. Did we mention bare skin? Right, we did, but it’s worth mentioning again, because summer brings a festival of flesh barely covered in tank tops, skirts, swim suits, and flip flops. Even if the thought of wearing a bathing suit makes you cringe, you have to admit it’s pretty fun to take in the eye candy on the beach. An ordinary trip to the grocery store becomes a feast for the eyes - muscular shoulders in t-shirts, lean legs in skirts, and hard nipples in the freezer aisle. And all that bare skin gets you, and keeps you, thinking about sex all day.

• Everyone looks more fit. While we’re all out and scantily clad, we are also probably at our trimmest for the year. Many people are more active in the summer, so even if that doesn’t mean you’re sporting six pack abs, it does mean you’re likely to have more energy and a higher libido, which definitely helps your sex life.

• PDA is more acceptable. Whatever your position is on PDA, we collectively give people a little more slack in the summer when it comes to public affection. It’s like we all get that the less clothing means higher arousal, and we tolerate what everyone is getting up to in the park or on the beach.

• Sunscreen massages. We’re all about safety first, so a day in the sun should always begin with a sunscreen rubdown. And if getting rubbed in all those hard to reach places turns you on, there’s no need to rush into your swimsuit. Just make sure your sunscreen is waterproof.

• Freezable lube. Yes, there’s such a thing as freezable lube cubes, which got great reviews by Thursday’s Child, and yes, they’re perfect for summer sex.

• Fresh fruit. While fresh fruit is usually known for it’s taste and nutritional value, in this case, it also adds to the sexiness of summer by making sweet, juicy mouths for kissing.

• Vacation sex. Summer is the season for vacations, and vacations give us lots of time to enjoy relaxing, no-rush sex.

• Pool toys. Even though you’re spending more time outside, you don’t have to leave your favorite vibrator indoors. There are a number of sex toys that are water-safe, so you can still have all the fun you’re used to inside, poolside.

• Summer is fleeting. For those of us who live in seasonal climates, we know that summer is fleeting. And like an affair that you never want to end, but know it must, you savor the moment, and experience sensations more intensely, all because you know it is coming to an end.

Other seasons bring their own pleasures, but sex in the summer is certainly greatest. Don’t miss out on any of those 9 reasons to have great sex this season.

Image courtesy of alecani used under Creative Commons.

• Morning Sex. Nothing says “I don’t have to get out of bed for anything” better than morning sex. Morning sex affirms that you can take your time getting up, and helps start the day off in a relaxing way. So start your staycation with a morning shag. And go ahead and fall back to sleep. Because that’s how vacations are supposed to be.

• Ambiance. If being in your usual space isn’t exactly turning you on, invest in a new set of sheets and some candles to up the romance factor and make your room feel like new. Candlelight, especially, does a great job of blocking out the laundry that you haven’t put away so you can pretend room service has taken care of your mess.

• Massage. If you’re used to rushed quickies after The Daily Show during your M-F grind, then use your staycation as a chance to pamper each other. Give each other sensual massages. To add some imagination and island-flavor, put cucumbers on your partner’s eyes and let them fantasize that you are an island pool boy there to satisfy every desire.

• Clothing optional. Imagine you were at a posh hotel and hang out in robes all day. There’s no rush or pressure to get dressed, so keep it as skimpy and comfortable as possible.

• Cocktails. Just because you’re not on a tropical island doesn’t mean you can’t drink like you are. Mix up some dark & stormys or mojitos for a tropical feel.

• Food. Grill up some romantic finger foods, like grilled pineapple and shrimp, and simmer a pot of mussels. Or skip the cooking altogether and get some oysters. The sensual experience of eating with your hands and tasting all the flavors will help you slow down and savor the moment.

• Music. Put on some sexy music, or try some light reggae or jazz fusion to add some island ambiance.

• Get outdoors. You may not be on a secluded beach, but you can still figure a way to get naked outside. Have a deck off your apartment? Drape the railing with some fabric, put pillows on the ground, and curl up with your honey without the neighbors knowing. Got a backyard? Get a hammock you and your partner can snuggle up on under the stars. No outdoor space? Set up a picnic on your living room floor, and leave the windows open for a summer breeze.

• Unplug. Do not check work email. At all.

With a little attention to detail and some creativity, you can have a sexy staycation that is both affordable and relaxing.

Psychologists have long used male arousal as the defined norm of desire, so when women didn’t experience desire in the same way, they were considered to have a problem. Therefore, as many as a third of women were considered to have deficient arousal responses.

But this study suggests that women simply have different arousal systems, and in fact it is normal for many women to experience arousal after sexual activity has taken place.

Contrary to the conventional model, for many women, desire is not the cause of lovemaking, but rather, its result. “Women,” Basson explains, “often begin sexual experiences feeling sexually neutral.” But as things heat up, so do they, and they eventually experience desire.

While the study results aren’t true for every woman (or man), it would be less frustrating for a lot of people to understand that we all experience desire differently.  And if the study results ring true for you or your mate, there are some easy tips you can try to improve your sex lives.

For Women: Just Do It Already. If you’ve been waiting to be overwhelmed by desire before you give in to any sexual contact by your mate, then, according to the study, you can just exhale. Brad Pitt folding your laundry in the nude is not going to turn you on if your arousal doesn’t work that way. So instead of waiting to be turned on in the way your partner seems to be, you may want to just start fooling around and see if that doesn’t get you going. Now, I’m not advocating doing anything you don’t want to do, I’m just encouraging you to do something you think you don’t want to do, but will probably find soon after that you want to do it a lot more.

For Men: Take Your Time. If your partner doesn’t get turned on by the sight of you naked or the mere mention of doing it, then you need to do a little bit more work. Take your time with foreplay, explore her body beyond her breasts and genitals, and you will likely find a horny sex kitten inside your normally disinterested spouse. As a bonus, taking your time will prolong your erection and make for better orgasms for you.

Understanding that you and your partner may feel desire and arousal differently is a great starting place to work on trying to meet each other’s needs and wants.

If you live anywhere in the Northeast, then you know that this has been the rainiest, grayest summer on record and that we’re all cranky and scurvy-ish. That’s why, if you want to get laid at all this summer, I suggest you head outside this weekend and get your sunshine on.

Now, I’m not a scientist, so I’m not uncomfortable making up facts. Like getting fresh air and sunshine makes you a better lover. Or that vitamin D is proven to make boners and boobs bigger. Or that there’s a correlation between between sunny weather and more frequent sex.

But you don’t need made up facts to head outside, right? Our moods do elevate after some time outdoors, and our skin does look a little better sun-kissed (but wear sunscreen - sunburns just look ridiculous and make sex painful). Since the sexiest season has been elusive this year, take in some sun when you can, and I’m sure you’ll feel more alive and amorous than you have in awhile.

I am going to take my own advice and head down to the beach for the weekend. I’m determined to prove that eating lobster rolls makes you orgasm. Have a sexy weekend.

Image courtesy of mikebaird used under Creative Commons license.

Veronica: There are a lot of things a man can do to initiate sex. One tip I would give (because it’s been a recurring thing in my personal life): giving a back massage does not mean you’ll be having sex 15 minutes later - for some reason men always think it leads to that!

Tara: Woo me. The right words and kissing is all it takes.

Holly: Make a woman feel sexy, and you’ll get her more turned on than just going in for a lame boob or butt grab. Compliment her, and tell her how much you desire her.

What is the best way you’ve been seduced by a lover?

Veronica: Honestly, it started with a few hours of intelligent conversation and led to him saying, “just relax” … and taking care of everything while I just enjoyed myself!

Tara: A backrub. He knew my back hurt so he massaged it and then at the end he started kissing me down my back. It was incredibly sexy.

Holly: A prepared bubble bath and a backrub. Works every time. (Sorry Veronica, but it’s true).

What is the worst move a guy has tried to pull on you?

Veronica: The worst thing a guy has pulled is trying to have anal without even a discussion beforehand; he didn’t even know whether or not I was into it - it led to me kicking him out of bed.

Tara: One guy thought I would have sex with him only because he took a Viagra.

Holly: Ugh. I hate when guys go right for touching or going down on you when you’re not even remotely turned on. It’s just uncomfortable.

Want more tips on how to seduce her? Check out how to initiate sex so she says yes.

Veronica: Definitely. Nothing turns a guy on more than a woman who can make the first move.

Doug: Sure, why not?

Tara: Of course! It’s a two-way street!

What advice would you give a woman on initiating sex?

Veronica: This is a toughie, because basically a woman can do or say anything to initiate sex and usually a man would go for it. I think being upfront about your motives is sexy enough to get the guy going.

Doug: I think men on the whole are thick - picture a large animal, like a moose. Subtlety is often lost on men, so it’s best to be direct and straightforward instead of suggestive and romantic. Save the candles for your bath.

Tara: Kissing and putting my hands in places they shouldn’t be always worked for me.

What is the worst move you’ve heard or experienced a woman pull?

Veronica: When women are interested in a person and they play hard to get, then become over-the-top flirty, then play hard to get - it’s a turn-off to send so many mixed signals.

Doug: Being black-out drunk at a party with a guy, shoving her hand down his pants, then shit talking him for not making out with her there.

Tara: I was at a bar one night and the jukebox was on and I screamed at my then boyfriend that all I wanted to do was go home and have sex. Well, mid-sentence the song ended and the whole bar heard me. In my defense, at least I know what I want.

Want some more tips? Visit how to initiate sex for women for more advice on making the first move.

Breakup sex, like make-up sex and angry sex, is easily some of the best sex available, but getting it generally takes some luck or the willingness to be a total dickhead. Breakup sex is as inherently complicated as it is pleasurable, so securing it takes some soul-searching, or, at least, strategizing.

Upon the demise of my last two relationships, the idea of some aftermath loving ran through my head. I mean, I am a: a man, and b: breathing.

After the breakup, I was left with one of two course of actions to pursue breakup sex:

Decision A: Lie! Say exactly what she wants to hear and get into bed together. This frankly is the simpler solution; easy to do and almost guaranteed to secure sex. It requires nothing more than callously ignoring the other person’s feelings and manipulating their emotions to suit your needs. No one wants to see a relationship end, not even a bad one. And by simply exploiting that, you can lie your way right back into her pants. Down the road, she will surely catch on though and the whole thing will come to a chaotic crash. If you never plan on seeing this person again and you are an asshole (probably why the relationship failed), then this might be the plan for you.

Decision B: Tell the truth. If you’re sexually attracted to the recently dumped person, let them know. The concept that once a relationship has ended, so does the attraction is backwards and can lead to awkward encounters bursting with sexual tension in the future. And what woman wouldn’t want to know that regardless of other issues the two of you may have had, you still find her irresistibly sexy? While this option leads to a more forthright and honest relationship going forward, it doesn’t guarantee sex. To date, I am batting .500 with this method, but perhaps more importantly, I am still friendly with both women. Maybe not best friends, sure, but not awkward if we see each other.

Once again, being an asshole will get you laid, but being the nice guy makes you a better person, and still has a 50% chance of getting you laid. Those are not horrible odds.

Image courtesy of skedonk used under Creative Commons.

Okay. So maybe you’re not. But perhaps you should. There are many sex positions that are great for getting off, but only a few that are exceptional for love. Lovemaking, that is.

If you’re in the mood for some of that eye-gazing, soul-sharing, bodies-becoming-one kind of sex, then these are the perfect sex positions for those tender moments.

• Spooning. What more evidence do you need beyond the visual of how well two spoons fit together? Spooning has your bodies snuggled together back-to-chest, and keeps the range of motion to a “tender” pace. Plus, it’s one of the ladies’ favorite sex positions.

• The Lotus. If you’re looking for a transformative sexual experience, try this spiritual sex position. The lotus encourages looking into each others eyes and caressing each other’s bodies while controlling the grinding and thrusting to prolong the sexual experience.

• Missionary. What it lacks in creativity and clit stim, the missionary position more than makes up for in eye-gazing, body contact, comfiness, and romantic movie appearances.

• Siamese Win. This side-by-side facing sex position gives you a lot of options for your wuv making. Your bodies can be close and intertwined, or your torsos can be apart to allow room for touching or talking.

So the next time you feel like making love, show your partner that you care to pick the very best sex position. And sing a song, or something.

Image courtesy of Stoichiometry used under Creative Commons.

In my opinion, I believe that I have somewhat of a duty to my fellow women to keep married men in check, and also to maintain my own personal standards of not adding ‘homewrecker’ to my personal skills. I know that not all women feel this way, and there are also men out there that go out and pretend that they’re not married. I actually happen to know a few of these.

I can also see the other side of the fence: if a man is willing to sleep with you, why worry about what he’s risking to go home with you? It isn’t your problem after all, right? He’s an adult and, in most cases, his wife doesn’t double as a babysitter, and nor should we. Personally, however, I could never see myself knowingly pursuing a married man. Sure, the whole forbidden fruit part is slightly alluring, but is it really that glamorous to be the other woman once you’re there? I also know what it feels like to be cheated on, and I wouldn’t want to knowingly wish it on any fellow lady.

The thing that really gets me are some of the reasons men cheat, and the sad thing is, I know more than one man whose got something on the side. Some stray because they’re no longer sexually attracted to their wives, but don’t feel as if they can leave because there are children involved. Others just want to find someone who is willing to do the things for them that their wives aren’t, or their wives have stopped having sex with them altogether. And really, both these scenarios are quite depressing for me to hear.

I know that when I get married, I want to know exactly what I’m getting, and if they married a woman without knowing what she’s not willing to do inside the bedroom, perhaps they should have never been married in the first place. And for those who find themselves with a lack of a sex life, I really feel for: typically I see that these men have been having marital problems with their wives that have come into the bedroom. And of course, there are always the men that no matter what we do, they will always stray, and mainly I think that it’s just a matter of ‘the grass is always greener’ syndrome.

But no matter what the case, I don’t feel as if these men should have an excuse at all. They hit the altar and took their vows willingly. Why should we take pity on them and sleep with them anyway? Unless of course, it’s perfectly okay with his wife, and in that case, I’d like to meet her.

Image courtesy of arnet used under Creative Commons.

I’ve always been a main-stay kind of girl, and for those of you who don’t know what that means, it simply means that I’m not a fan of sleeping with more than one man in the same timeframe. I’ve always said I’d be a horrible cheater because one man drives me crazy enough, and thus far I’ve held true to that. I am also a very honest and open person. I will tell anyone what they want to know; and while this hasn’t always worked out for me, it is that very part of me that pays the bills so I guess I can’t complain.

So, why do I mention this? Well, because through my own honesty and the curiosity of my main-stay, we realized that we favor two completely different sex positions. I prefer woman on top, mainly because being in control is an incredible experience for me and makes it easier for me to orgasm. He prefers doggy style, preferably bending his partner over a bed or couch. At first, I thought to myself: Wow, what a bummer; but then I realized how awesome this could be.

You see, for the most part, I’m totally unbiased about which sex position I am rolled into, though I do enjoy keeping it interesting and changing it up during intercourse. However, I did take a minute to rethink my sexual history and realized that the majority of the men I’ve been with in the past enjoyed woman on top the most. Perhaps that pattern helped to influence my favorite sex position.

So, this new partner whose favorite position is totally different, well… it’s exciting.  I mean, when he bends me over whichever piece of furniture he chooses, how sexy am I going to feel? The second this happens, it will cross my mind that this is his favorite and I know that it will be a major turn-on to me. Honestly, I can’t wait to really experiment with him and see if anything changes.

So I guess different preferences can have a happy ending after all.

When you are first starting out in the swing lifestyle, it is important to choose the right couples to play with. It is important to look for people who have similar interests, in addition to having a shared physical attraction. It is a lot easier to take that extra step if you feel comfortable with the other person or couple, trust me. A lot of couples are not interested in playing on the first meet; often the first meet is just to get to know each other. Here are some tips on meeting the right person or couple to swing with:

• Websites. Start out by looking at a website that allows couples to post their profiles, and look for people who posted things that interest you. Most sites have programs that show you other couples or individuals that match your profile. You can look by distance as well, and you can look for people as close or as far away as you like. Personally we look for people who are close by because we enjoy hanging out with people, not just meeting to play. A great example of this is my fiancé and I love to go off-road, so after a little searching we found a group of swingers who also enjoy going off-road. We started out just going off-road, than we went to a party after that we started spending weekends with some of them. It is rarely just about sex. Believe it or not, it is more about friendship.

• Instant Messaging. Another step to take if you want to protect yourself is to create an IM ID that is separate from your regular ID so that you can give that out to people you think you would like to get to know better. Chatting on IM gives you the ability to maintain some anonymity while still getting to know people better.

• Meet in Public. If you get to the next step and want to meet the other individuals, choose a public setting. Keep yourself safe. We have heard too many reports of people who were not careful and got hurt. There is good and bad in every group of people and it is important to make sure you’re safe before proceeding. Meet at a restaurant or a coffee house, and enjoy each other’s company to see if you want to proceed.

• Discuss Boundaries. After that, it’s time to make a choice - do you want to play or not? You can play whenever everyone is ready, but make sure to discuss everyone boundaries first. Take care not to cross the line, and take the time to enjoy yourself. It is ok to act out a fantasy as long as everyone is ok with it. There is no shame in enjoying the company of others, and there is no shame in enjoying yourself sexually. We have to take risks if we want to find something we enjoy.

• Safe Sex. One word of caution, condoms! Always practice safe sex no matter who you are with. It is not worth the risk. You might eventually meet a person or couple you are comfortable not using condoms with, but that is a decision to make down the road. Use caution and keep yourself safe.

These are just some of the things that have helped us meet other swingers in a fun and safe way. Good luck meeting your new friends with benefits!

While cuddling and body contact are nice, the real metric for a good position for women is the amount of attention her clit can get. That’s right; most women need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Call it mother nature’s design flaw, but fast and hard thrusting in the missionary position isn’t going to get us off easily.

With that in mind, these are the best sex positions for women as determined by our willing (ok, possibly drunk) team of experts, in no particular order.

Spooning. Spooning was an overwhelming favorite among the women I talked to. Before you are quick to assume that it’s the closest position to cuddling that sex can be, consider the other benefits of this position. The rear entry stimulates the front wall, or G-spot; the shallow thrusting the position allows focuses all the sensation on the first third of the vagina, which is where most of the nerve-endings are; and there is easy access for him or her or your favorite vibrator to touch her clit. Her legs closed makes it even better because it creates extra tightness. Plus, it’s a great position for morning sex (no worries about morning breath) and anytime hangover sex.

Reverse Missionary. This woman on top position is great because it gives her control over the pace, motion, and depth of penetration. While the cowgirl position allows him to penetrate a little deeper, the reverse missionary has her leaning forward more, making the thrusts more shallow, but increasing the indirect pressure on her clit. She can get extra stimulation by grinding against his pubic bone while riding. This is also a comfortable position from which she can not only move up and down, but circle her hips for interesting sensations.

Downward Dog.  This modified doggy style position scored high among women as well. Downward dog is a rear entry position with her head and shoulders forward resting on bed, so it’s more comfortable for her. Downward dog has all the benefits of rear entry sex – deep penetration, front wall stimulation, and the space to use her hands for masturbating – but this modification protects her cervix from eager thrusting a little bit more than doggy style.

Coital Alignment Technique (CAT). This textbook sex position sounds dull, but it is designed with women’s pleasure in mind and boasts the highest rates of orgasms among women and simultaneous orgasms among couples than any other. CAT is a different take on the missionary position in which instead of the old in and out, he “rides high” with his pelvis up and forward. This alignment puts the shaft of his penis right on her clitoris, so when the couple slowly rocks together, it produces a ton of sensation. He doesn’t suffer any because the glans, or head of his penis, is still highly stimulated.

The Lap Dance. Sitting sex positions don’t win popularity contests, but they’re actually pretty fun. In the lap dance, he sits in chair, she straddle him while facing him, and both partners have their feet on floor.the couple has a lot of leverage to thrust, and there’s also plenty of body contact. It’s perfect for a romp in the kitchen while you’re waiting for water to boil.

Whatever variation you’re getting your groove on in, remember to pay attention to that little force to be reckoned with – her clit. With that, every position can be the best sex position for her.

Image courtesy of Matthew Verso used under Creative Commons.

But while everyone likes having an ol’ reliable position that will get things done on a Tuesday night before Conan comes on, there are also positions that lurk in the sexual fantasies of men until we get to live them out. The best  sex positions for men are the ones that do more than get the job done. They entice us with visuals of breasts and butts; they seduce us with power and control; they torture us with deep penetration and pacing.

After speaking to my crack team of researchers, we have compiled a list of the top 5 sex positions for men (in no particular order). Maybe your go-to position is on this list, or maybe these positions are the stuff of fantasies for you, but either way these best sex positions meet all the criteria to excite and please men.

Doggy Style. It’s easy to predict the first one on our list, doggy style. For some reason, every guy wants to flip that girl around and romp like Rover. We commonly found that men like to be able to grab a hold and, well, grab a hold and really fuck something. And doggy style is amazingly suited for such a task – you can grab onto her shoulders, hips, and ass for leverage as you’re thrusting. Another reason why this sex position is so desirable is the view. The visuals of her curves and his penis going in and out of her excites on a primitive level. The sense of dominance, the power to thrust, and the hot visuals make doggy style one of the best sex positions for men.

The Cowgirl. The cowgirl sex position is also popular among men for some of the same reasons as doggy style. Woman on top means pulling on her hips for extra thrust and a spectacular view of her face and body as she rides you. Plus, the cowgirl position puts her in control of the pace, so it takes off some performance pressure. You can just lie back and enjoy the ride.

The Reverse Cowgirl. Wait … so there’s a position in which she’s on top and does most of the work, but I get deep penetration and views of her ass on my cock? Um, yeah, the reverse cowgirl is just an amazing sex position. It takes a confident woman to be in this position, which makes us all the more aroused and grateful when she does it.

Missionary. We were a little embarrassed by this choice at first, but then we realized there is nothing wrong with a classic. The missionary sex position seems natural; it’s easy to get into from any foreplay activity and bodies just seem to fit comfortably with man on top. One variation we found many men liked is to start in the missionary position, but push up on their arms and look down at the woman, to sneak in the sexy views this position doesn’t usually afford.

The Butterfly. The butterfly position is a sitting sex position in which she’s on the edge of the bed with her legs on his shoulders, while he stands or kneels facing her. This is another sex position with a good view and good grips, letting the man pull on the thighs or grab the woman’s butt. Because he isn’t supporting his weight on his arms, the man is also fee to fondle some boobs. This is always a plus in any position.

Honorable mention goes to anal sex. For better or worse, this is high on most men’s fantasy lists. Most of the guys I consulted admitted to not regularly having anal, but wanting to try it. This one dude said he did it all the time, but the rest of us think he was lying.

So what did we learn? We learned that men are visual - shocking, I know.  We also learned that men like sex positions that give them control of the action – the thrusting and penetration. This isn’t always the case, especially in a position like the cowgirl, but they seem to like to grab and push and pull. Any position that meets those criteria winds up high on a man’s list.

What do you think of our top 5 sex positions for men? Did we miss your favorite?

Image courtesy of lergik used under creative commons.

One of my best friends swears that you can tell how good a man will be in bed by how well he dances. While I don’t have the data to back up her theory, I do think there is some merit to it. Consider what it takes to get out on the dance floor: confidence, sensuality, coordination, rhythm, and the willingness to be a little silly. All the perfect characteristics of a great lover.

Dancing is good foreplay because it gets the blood pumping, the endorphins flowing, and the body moving. Whether you’re a good or bad dancer, once you let yourself go, it’s hard not to feel sexy dancing to some Lil’ Wayne. Add in the sensuality, the body contact, and the sexy visuals, and dancing becomes perfect foreplay.

If you’re on a date, dancing is a way to break the ice that conversation over coffee can’t achieve. You get to see another more physical, more vulnerable, and more fun side of the person you’re with, and you get to make body contact and check out the chemistry between you.

If you’re in a couple, going out for a night of dancing is a great way to break the routine and get out of your heads. Dancing is a way to engage with each other that is purely physical, and you get to watch each other and touch each other in ways outside of your usual foreplay routine. Plus, it’s always a little flattering to see someone else checking out your partner.

So if you’re looking for a good foreplay trick this weekend, suggest a night of dancing, or just turn up your ipod in your living room and get your groove on. A little dirty dancing just might get you in the mood for the horizontal tango.

Image courtesy of Netream used under Creative Commons.

By now you all know that I am a swinger, but this week I would like to talk about love. Sometimes the idea of swinging makes people wonder if it is possible to have a committed relationship and still be a swinger. I can honestly answer yes to this. Actually it is a lot easier to separate love from sex than you might think. The hard part is to figure out when you are in love, and what love means to you.

There has been a lot of talk about gay marriage lately, and I really don’t think I can stay quiet on the issue anymore. As a bisexual, I see no difference between marrying a woman or a man. The key is love - when you find the person you love, don’t let anyone stop you from loving him or her. Love is too hard to find these days; if you are lucky enough to find it, don’t let anyone take it away from you.

I know that for a lot of us it is hard to talk about sexual preference because of the negative response we might get or have gotten in the past. With all the negative publicity out there about any relationship that is not one man and one woman, it’s hard to feel like you can be honest. The truth is that if you are happy and not hurting anyone, then why does it matter who you are married to?

Most of my family knows about my relationship, and some are more okay with it than others, but they all accept me for me. If someone has a problem with me, then they have to deal with it. My relationship is not by any means normal or conventional, but it makes me happy. Love is not restricted, and it shouldn’t be. Is it fair that this country does not allow gay marriage? NO. But does it really matter? Do you really need a piece of paper to tell you who you can love? I don’t think so. The government can not tell us who to love or how to do it. Money doesn’t create happiness and a piece of paper does not create love. Who cares if other people are okay with your love life? It’s YOUR love life.

So to whoever reads this, I ask you to do one thing. When you are done reading this go find your partner and kiss them. Don’t worry about where you are or if other people will be offended. Find your love, take your moment and stay there for as long as you can. Life is fleeting and we have all spent too long worrying about other people. Enjoy what you have right now, just be happy; if other people can’t be happy for you, that’s their issue.

Savannah is a twenty-something student and guest blogger. She lives in Pennsylvania.

Image courtesy of swister used under Creative Commons.

Veronica: I like performing oral sex on people that I trust and really like as a person; I’m not so big on the receiving part.

Doug: Yes, and yes.

Tara: For the right guy, I absolutely love performing oral sex. Honestly, if he doesn’t appreciate it or return the favor, I won’t be giving any. And yes, I absolutely love receiving.

Would you date someone who didn’t go down on you?

Veronica: Sure I would; I’m not sure if it’d be a long- term thing; eventually you have to be able to experience a lot of foreplay, and oral is part of that.

Doug: Probably, and it would bother me, but by the time I realized they never did it, it would be too late/awkward to bring it up.

Tara: It would really depend. If he understood that no going down on me means there would be no going down on him, I think things would be fine for awhile. The bottom line is I would probably get bored so I doubt that I’d be seeing him for very long.

Is it fair to expect oral sex in relationships?

Veronica: Yes. It’s one of the most intimate things you can do with a person!

Doug: Yes.

Tara: Absolutely, if you’re willing to give as well as receive.

Image courtesy of remuz used under Creative Commons.

So if you want to know why Kate Perry has been blathering on and on about kissing girls, give kissing like a woman a try. Here’s how to kiss like a woman:

• Play hard to get. Do some shit like make eye contact and then look away, or lean into her but don’t kiss her … yet.

• Brush against the lips. Just playfully brush your lips against hers. Don’t get into suction, lubrication (um, drool), or penetration (er, tongue) in the early kissing phase.

• Play with her lips. Nibble on, tease, and play with her lips. Do not go for tongue until you are so horny you could bite her face off. Then, and only then, does it mean you’ve built enough tension for tongue.

• Lightly insert tongue. Imagine you are Moses parting the Red Sea as you gently insert your tongue between her lips – this is a holy act.

• Tease her with tongue. You are not something out of the reptile planet - do not dart your tongue in and out of her mouth. Instead, play with the tip of her tongue, then let her explore your mouth. There is no such thing as tongue wrestling, but if there were … have you seen “The Wrestler?” Do you want your kissing to be that depressing?

• Add variety. Once you’ve introduced the “French” part of the kiss, now’s the time to mix it up – be intense and passionate for a bit, and then slow back down to a gentle tease.

• Be good with your hands. Use your hands to caress her cheeks, waist, backs, and hips. Do not use here breasts as some kind of armrest.

• Smell nice. You know how when you go in to kiss a woman, you get this hint of a bouquet that makes you certain that women sweat flowers? Okay, if your cologne can be detected by everyone within a 10 foot radius, or if you think “pheromones” means smelling like rancid sweat, you do not smell nice, and there is no mystery about your kiss. Go for a clean, subtle scent.

Follow these kissing tips, and I’m sure Jill Sobule will approve (you know, the OG - Original Girl Kisser).

Okay, so maybe it’s not a 100% guaranteed move, but consider this: the person you’re dating casually probably feels rejected a lot; the person you’re coupled up with probably feels neglected sometimes. So saying the right thing that just might make them feel special and appreciated gives you a better shot at intimacy than strictly dirty talk or focusing on your needs will.

It’s not always easy to tell someone how you feel. One of the first obstacles, of course, is to stop thinking of yourself and your raging hard-on (yes, those little clits in salute count). The second is really being present with someone else and identifying that thing that makes them magical to you, even if they’re not the most beautiful, sexy person in the world (because, let’s face it, Brad and Angelina already found each other).

Since we’re all different, we’re not gonna arrive at the right sweet nothing to say the same way. Let’s do this by personality:

• If you’re the emotional type: If you speak with your heart and are all over terms of endearment, sharing your feelings is probably easy, but how much thought do you put into what you say? It may be easy for you to gush and be all affectionate, but have you ever analyzed how this person affects you? Yeah, it probably feels good to hang on their neck and whisper sweet nothings, but take the time to consider how you are a different and better person because of who they are. And then tell them. Save your I love you’s, and give them something deep and meaty.

• If you’re the thinker type: You’ve probably built spreadsheets that show rows of reasons why your mate is great, or done a statistical probability on the chances of a second date with that person you met online, but you can’t remember when you haven’t dissected your feelings for every shred of data and then tossed them aside. If this is you, and you want to say the right thing to get someone all wet, then please Goddess just do something spontaneous. A hiccup will do. Just pick her up and swing her around in the bar, or walk by and pat his bum. Just. Do. Something. Don’t think. (P.S. – I know there is only a 6% chance that any of you will heed this advice).

• If you’re the strong and silent type: If speaking your mind or your heart are not your strengths, well, why push it? If your thing is being strong and silent, rock on with your bad self. Except … you need to figure out that action that you can take that will wow your partner. Maybe your efforts at keeping a clean house or taking care of the car go unnoticed, but what could you do that wouldn’t be taken for granted? What action would be impractical, crazy, and solely for your partner?

We all like to feel special, especially before sex, so take some time to appreciate that person in your life that you want to rock with. It’s the foreplay move you’ve never considered.

This is not to invalidate your feelings, no. Many of us do go through life feeling less desired, less valued, and yes, less fucked than we’d like to be. But getting mired in your own chasm of disappointment is not going to get you laid. Chances are, if you are feeling neglected by your partner, he or she feels neglected, too.

We’re human. We’re inherently selfish and needy, and, thanks to modern culture, gaping fucking holes of insecurities. The sooner you realize that it’s a fact of existence rather than a reflection of your partner’s disregard, the less discontent you’ll be with your relationships. And the weird thing about being human is that the best way to let go of those feelings for a little while is to do something for someone else.

Maybe I’m just being all mushy and sensitive today because it’s my wedding anniversary, which is a day that I celebrate by acknowledging my husband’s, this beautiful other person, autonomy. My husband does not exist to make me feel sexy (though he does) or to take care of me (though he does). He is his own complex world of need and desire and fear, not simply someone who was put here to fill my void. So this day is about choosing each other again, and respecting this delicate balance of ego and want and giving that is our marriage.

If you’ve been feeling blue in your relationship, instead of taking inventory of the things you want, examine the things about your partner that you appreciate. Tell her she is beautiful. Tell him you’re thankful for his strength. Or vice versa. Just try to put your needs on hold for one moment, and be there for the other person. And then have sex. Trust me, it will all just work out that way.

Next time you’re having a little pity party for yourself, invite your partner along. You are not alone in your want.

Image courtesy of fourme used under Creative Commons.

So what is the difference between polyamory and swinging? Honestly I wasn’t sure myself. I have been in the swinging lifestyle for 4 years, but never really thought about polyamory in comparison to swinging. Swinging is recreational sex with other parties, that much I know. In the swinging lifestyle, the focus is on friendships and sex. While I have made several wonderful friends within the swing lifestyle, none of them are people that I am “in love with.” Don’t get me wrong, I have had sex with people I just met, but most of the time my fiancé and I focus on a small group of people that we are close with. We tend to prefer to have a friendly relationship with the people we swing with; however, we are not looking to have a loving relationship with anyone.

This is where swinging differs from polyamory. Polyamory is the practice or belief in having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. There are a lot of different ways people construct polyamorous relationships, but in the end the values of honesty, openness, trust, and love are upheld. Polyamory, in all its forms, is about having an emotional connection to more than one person, not simply about sex with more than one person.

Personally, I have a hard time with this because I am not sure I would want to share my fiancé’s love with someone else, but I imagine it is just as hard for a lot of people to understand how I can love him but want to have sex with someone else.

For our relationship, we separate love from sex. Of course we make love, but we there is a difference between making love and having sex to us. That is where I feel the biggest difference is: a swinger has sex with people they don’t have feelings for, while a person who is polyamorous nurtures an emotional connection in addition to a sexual one. Both lifestyles, though, share some similarities, including that each requires communication, honesty, and trust.

What confuses me is why it seems some people have an easier time accepting that you can be in love with more than one person than that you could separate sex from love and enjoy having a sexual relationship with more than one person? Why is it so hard to understand that I can have sex with someone without being in love with them?

As a culture, we romanticize love; we are in love with love. Most people can’t get enough of it. So it is easier to accept that John can be in love with Jennifer and Sara, than it is to accept that John and Jennifer simply enjoy having a threesome with Sara.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not knocking polyamory, but, as is the case with swinging, I simply do not feel that it will work for everyone. I do, however, wish there was more acceptance of all types of relationships, not just monogamous ones.

I would really like to hear from all of you about this. Which do you have an easier time understanding? Do you think you could be more ok with one than the other? Why?

Have you ever been insecure about your body in a sexual situation?

Veronica: For sure! I found that I get really insecure with people that I’m really into; I want them to think the best of me. For those “one-night-stands,” I found that I was more confident, probably because I ultimately didn’t care what the other person was going to think of me.

Doug: Never insecure - I  realized that I was overweight, but just didn’t cared.

Tara: Of course I have! What girl hasn’t? I recently realized that I actually have a harder time orgasming when I’m with a man who is super hot because I feel that he may be concentrating on my flaws rather than enjoying the moment.

How affected are you by standards of beauty in the media?

Veronica: Well, I’ve never been a tiny girl, so I often wonder what it’s like to be super-model skinny; but the reality is that I’m big and curvy and will always be big and curvy!

Doug: Very, though I think the media is equally affected by me. if they put up a girl who they want to be hot, but isn’t hot, I ain’t watching.

Tara: Honestly, not very. I was told yesterday that a guy I met over the weekend said I look better in photos. While most girls would be hurt by this, I know that he saw modeling photos of me that have been airbrushed or touched up that I’m also wearing make-up in, which is not something I wear day to day. I know that those girls in the magazines are just like me and all have their flaws, mainly because I’ve seen the retouching process first-hand.

What’s your sexiest body part?

Veronica: My mind. It can stimulate every body part without having to touch a thing.

Doug: My arms, but it’s sorta the best of the worst.

Tara: I would have to say my belly button. I have an outie and I grew up hating it because it was different, but now I embrace it for the same reason.

Image courtesy of Brent Weichsel used under Creative Commons.

I guess I’m handling the end of my engagement well, because my girlfriends now seek my advice all the time. I find myself telling people the same tips on single life. So, for the guy or gal who finds themselves unexpectedly single, or just can’t find the right person, I would like to offer my advice for singles.

1. You have to love yourself, no matter what. I know it sounds corny, but we all need to remember it’s okay to put ourselves first sometimes, especially during the hard times. Eat healthy, maintain your appearance, and manscape/trim the lady garden when needed. A little bit goes a long way, and when times aren’t so hard, you’ll look at yourself and be thankful that you didn’t let yourself go.

2. Moderation is key, sometimes. I will be the first to admit that it felt really good the first time my girlfriends took me out to drink my ex away. But, don’t slip into a bad habit or make bad decisions while drinking. Please, always have a designated driver. And, you might want to re-evaluate having a one-night-stand with a friend before leaving the bar; it may save you from waking up to the unexpected.

3. Keep friends close. Sure, this sounds easy, but with the tendency to withdraw when things aren’t going well, and with so-called friends who disappear during bad times, this can be quite challenging. I’ve always kept in mind, though, that real friends will be there for you no matter what. I didn’t cry on any of their shoulders this time around, but I’m very thankful that I know which ones would let me.

4. Know what you want. Many of you who are reading this may be in the same boat I am. You may enjoy the freedom that comes along with being single, but also despise the times of loneliness. Take this time to figure out what you’re really looking for. Ideally, for me, I’m looking for a guy that I’m not only sexually attracted to, but also that clicks with my personality enough that he could be like a best friend as well. Knowing what you’re looking for is half the battle.

5. Learn to say no. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you are desperate; you do not need to date everyone that pays attention to you. Recently, my older brother wanted me to date one of his friends. First of all, I’ve learned that his friends are better to be seen and not touched. Secondly, I absolutely cannot stand this particular friend of his for more than two hours, max.

6. It IS okay to have one-night-stands. I have certain standards I adhere to when I do engage in this type of promiscuous behavior, which I also recommend to everyone. I also always use protection and get checked regularly for STDs. And since I’m also a girl, I stay up to date on not only the type of birth control I’m currently using, but also on the other types on the market.

7. It is also okay to look for something more long-term. Everyone will reach this point. You will eventually tire of the dating scene and want to settle into some type of relationship and hope for the best. At this stage, it becomes a lot easier to weed out people who aren’t suited for you without feeling so bad about it. You’ll know what kind of person will make you happy and it’s okay to look for him/her.

8. Be honest. I am honest, possibly to a fault. I tell my girlfriends when they look fat and my brothers when they’re making fools of themselves. I am at the point now that have no problem telling potential future boyfriends that I’m looking for someone to play X-Box, watch gory movies, and do outdoor things with, as well as have sex with. They also know I don’t see monogamy as a big deal, that I have two children, and my job can require me to move around quite a bit. I feel if any of this isn’t cool, there’s the door: take it and don’t let it hit ya on the way out.

9. And finally, have fun. I know that in these rough, uncertain times that having fun can be hard, but make an effort to put yourself out there. Don’t give up the things you love, and if you feel you need help, ask someone, even if that’s me through a comment on this blog. I’ve always trusted that when I’m ready someone really great will walk into my life, and if that already hasn’t happened and he’s just uncertain, I know that it will happen because it’s happened before. Remember: the most important people in your life tend to fall out of the sky when you need them most.

There’s plenty to celebrate in single life, so try out these tips for singles if you’ve been having a hard time.

In the sex blogging world, it sometimes feels like there’s a universal condescension of vanilla sex. It’s as if the BDSM crew got together with the swingers and polys and LGBTQs on the playground to snigger at all the straight white married couples having missionary sex beyond their white picket fences.

As far as I can discern, the term “vanilla” is used to describe a person or couple who is not part of an alternative sexual community (also bad term, btw). Sure, it carries the connotation of plain and boring, but operating within the confines of “conventional sexual behavior” can be a lot of things beyond dull.

The human sexual experience is too complex to be categorized in either/or’s; sex is not only boring or kinky. Consider, as an example, that in between the “vanilla” couple who has quiet missionary sex once a week and the D/s couple that heads to the dugeon exists a whole hell of a lot of people that fanasize and experiment with power in sex that never have to identify as anything – they just do what they do. There are degrees.

Even just getting it on in the boring ol’ missionary position can yield so many different experiences – it can be tender or rough, urgent or slow, angry or loving.

Perhaps I am sensitive about this because, by the above definition, I would have to own the vanilla term, and I’m just not happy with its connotation. I’m married, and have a mostly hetero, mostly monogamous relationship.

But there’s a lot of room to play in “mostly.”

We checked out the swinger scene, and it wasn’t for us, but we’re still open to hooking up with other people. We like a good spanking sesh every now and again, but there are times when if he even thought about spanking me he’d get punched in the face for ruining my gentle lovemaking experience. And he’d probably like that, too.

So I’d at least consider my sex life vanilla with a cherry on top. And maybe some chocolate sauce or whatever.

Yes, there is a such thing as boring sex. Just please don’t assume that all your vanilla friends are boring in the bedroom – or on the dining room table you’re eating at.

Image courtesy of ShellyS used under Creative Commons.

I’ve known my best friend and closest confidant for 18 years now. We met in kindergarten and I’ve watched her grow into a remarkable young woman. The surprise: she’s a lesbian. I totally understand what could drive any open-minded woman into a relationship with another woman; personally, I’ve been through the ringer with the men I’ve dated. But I’m just not built that way. While Marie’s sometimes mockingly expresses disappointment, I know she accepts me just the way I am. I only wish the same for her, but sadly we have a long way to go before my best friend finds true acceptance in our society.

Many people wonder and ask how I can be so close with a lesbian without sexuality being a factor. The truth is simple: it just isn’t. I’ve also been asked if Marie has ever hit on me; and no, she has never hit on me. She knows I’m straight, so to her that would just be a waste of time. Honestly, I just don’t understand how so many people can be so closed-minded about other people’s sexual orientation. It just doesn’t make sense.

Some of my own family are the worst offenders, and even believe that federal law should say that marriage should be between a man and a woman. But really, why do they care so much? How does it negatively affect their lives? I think of Marie in those moments, being denied the right to marry someone, an act that so many other people take for granted. It’s not as if the gay community is trying to undermine straight marriages; they just want the same legal rights and protections afforded to other couples who love each other. Unfortunately, gay people are  looked down upon just for being who they are.

Perhaps we all could be more tolerant and respectful of those around us. I want that for Marie.  Love is love, and more weddings only means one thing: more cake.

Image courtesy of hyberbolic pants used under Creative Commons.

What is the best sex position?

Veronica: I like it when I’m on my side and the man is on his knees and one leg is wrapped around his waist, the other lying flat on the bed; he can use my hip as leverage and it allows him to get maximum penetration while still being able to view my face, boobs and ass!

Doug: I like sitting on something with a girl sitting on me, either facing me or away from me. I prefer if she’s facing away from me, especially if there is a mirror.

Tara: I am a big fan of being on top. Easiest way to make me orgasm, hands down.

Where is the best place to have sex?

Veronica: Anywhere - the intimacy of your own bedroom (or bed) is preferable.

Doug: On a bed, who are we kidding? The bed is the best place. It gets boring, sure, but that’s because you always come back to it.

Tara: Shower … easy clean up.

What’s the perfect number of sex partners at one time?

Veronica: As George Michael says, “sex is best when it’s one-on-one.”

Doug: Wow, I bet 3 or 2.5.

Tara: Call me crazy, but I’m gonna go with one.

What’s your favorite time of day to have sex?

Veronica: I’m a night person, so definitely some point in the evening.

Doug: 2pm.

Tara: Morning or really late at night.

What is the best common fantasy to live out?

Veronica: I enjoy masturbating for my partner. He’s probably thought of it a million different ways and showing him the reality turns out to be such a turn-on; he’s never thought of THAT before … ha!

Doug: I wish I had an answer.

Tara: I’ve always fantasized about having sex in the rain. I should get around to that one.

Fantasy - Being submissive. Most people fantasize about being dominated in one way or another, or at least of being so overwhelmed with desire, that logic and resistance are futile. From rape fantasies to dreams of being someone’s fuck toy, many fantasize about relinquishing responsibility and control. Isn’t that why bodice-ripping romance novels are so popular?

Shortcut - Have sex blindfolded. If you’re not ready to build a dungeon in your basement but want to give submission a try, volunteer to be blindfolded before sex. It’s easy to improvise with a scarf or a tie, but taking away the sense of sight makes the blindfolded partner more vulnerable, which ups the excitement for them.

Fantasy - Being dominant. Another common fantasy is dominating a partner, which is arousing in part because of the control and power you have over their sexual pleasure.

Shortcut - Tease, but don’t please. There are a lot of ways to dominate that have nothing to do with thigh-high boots or inflicting pain. Controlling when a partner orgasms is an easy way to exercise a bit of dominance. Tease them up to the point of orgasm, and then stop. You have ultimate control of their pleasure, and they’re at your mercy until you make them come. Bonus if you add wrist restraints or sex toys.

Fantasy - Being watched. The idea of being watched is provocative and forbidden. It is arousing to imagine someone seeing you in your most primal state, and thus becoming their object of desire.

Shortcut - Put on a little show. Instead of a regular roll in the hay, have your partner sit a distance from you, then pleasure yourself in front of him or her. You get to be watched in an aroused and vulnerable state, which is probably a fantasy of your partner’s, too.

Fantasy - Voyeurism.  Watching others in elicit acts is another fantasy many people share. If the thought of secretly spying on the neighbors in the act turns you on, then this shortcut is for you.

Shortcut - Do a sexy photo shoot. Suggest a sexy photo shoot of your partner, and as they undress and strike a pose, you get to watch from behind a camera. The lens creates a distance and barrier between you; plus, you have control over what part of the action you are watching while they are unaware.

Fantasy - Having a threesome. Many people fantasize about the possibilities threesomes afford – two lovers pleasing them, two people to pleasure, watching, being watched – a lot can go down when there are more than two people involved.

Shortcut – Dirty talk. It’s no easy feat to find the right third, and at any rate, it is a fantasy that comes with some baggage when you act it out in real life. But one way to experience it is to talk about (as in dirty talk) what you would do if there were another person there while you’re with your partner. Take turns taking the lead. If she has a fantasy about two men, let her describe what the third mystery man is doing, and you try to provide as many sensory stimuli to match that fantasy as you can.

Sexual fantasies can be easy to act on with a little creativity and imagination. Try out these shortcuts when you’re feeling playful!

Image courtesy of heyimlinsayp used under Creative Commons.

• Share. Tell each other your fantasies.
• Compare. See which ones you might both have an interest in.
• Dare. Just friggin’ do it already. (And fine, the rhyming is lame).

Sharing sexual fantasies, while a little intimidating, isn’t the hardest part – in fact, it’s pretty fun in and of itself. Many couples don’t make it to step one, and instead keep those dark and deviant fantasies all bottled up while they execute missionary sex until the end of time. That’s too bad, because just talking about fantasies can be a turn-on.

Comparing sexual fantasies to see what you’d really like to try is a little bit harder. While you might find some similar fantasies that you would be willing to try together, you also run the risk of divulging a fantasy that your partner just isn’t going to be into, in which case you may even be more frustrated than before.

Daring to do the deed can be smooth sailing, but more than likely it will come with its own set of obstacles. For the lucky ones who have fantasies that they’re both willing to try, they may take their sex lives to new and interesting places. But because acting on a sexual fantasy requires forethought, planning, and sometimes accessorizing, it takes more work than the regular ol’ sex that’s worked well before.

The “doing” part is something I struggle with. See, the hubby and I are big talkers. We have great communication skills that are the foundation of our marriage, sure, but moreover we do a lot of shit-talking about all the things we are going to do. Since our second date, we’ve talked about all the sexual fantasies we have in common. Spanking? Sure. Threesomes. Yep. Light bondage? Please!

Just talking about them gets us pretty worked up, in the same way talking about starting a savings account gets us jazzed for owning a house one day or brainstorming a movie script gets us excited about writing. That doesn’t mean these things are going to happen. These grandiose endeavors require Change and Work, and frankly once those two elements are involved, the end goal loses some appeal.

I could own a house, but would have to give up drinking and eating out so much? Boring! I could be tied up and mercilessly teased for an afternoon, but would have to clean the bedroom, find proper restraints, choose between the dogs watching or barking outside the door, and get into character? Ugh. Just go down on me already.

I know, very un-PC for a sex blogger to say, but good sex is a lot of work, and sometimes you just want to get off before LOST starts and get to cuddling on the couch. I know that if there were a mantra that I should fuck by, it would be “just do it.” But sometimes just doing it is fun, while sexual fantasies are hard work.

Tara: I think that it depends on the people in the relationship. If my ex-fiance had come to me and said that he wanted an open relationship, I’d probably be cool with that. But I would not be cool with watching him have sex with another woman, so I guess that rules out swinging. And if I were ever to be in an open relationship it would have to be clear that the people we were having sex with on the side stayed at just sex, so there goes polyamory, too.

Doug:  I am 100% for it. I think that monogamy made sense when you lived to be 35 and died. Now, however, I think it makes no sense for people who live past 80. It is a hard pill for many people to swallow, sticking instead to outdated ideas which tend to be more comfortable. And I think everyone is infected with those ideas, so although I am for it, I suppose I would have my own issues to work through in order to live my own beliefs.

Savannah: Personally I think that they are very different things, and that they are not nearly well enough understood by most people.  Most people feel like it is cheating, but for me and my fiancé it is just an addition to our relationship.  It is an extreme turn on for me to see my fiancé with other women, and I know he feels the same way about watching me.  It’s almost like live action porn.  If you define your rules in the beginning and stay within the rules you decided on, it is not cheating.

How open are you to alternative sexualities like swinging?

Tara: To be honest, not very. But, at the same time, I’m respectful of other people’s decisions in their own relationships. And I’ve always been a little greedy.

Doug: See above.

Savannah: I think that there is something out there that turns everyone on.  For some people, it’s swinging. If it is for you and it works for your relationship, it can add many new possibilities for pleasure.

Do you think swinging is “trendy” right now, still fringe/kinky, or on some level appealing to most people?

Tara: I think it’s pretty trendy. It’s getting more press lately, and for some people it works.

Doug: I don’t think it’s trendy. I think we are 30. I think in the past 10 years, we began caring about politics more because we got old enough to, not because of the political events that were happening. Had Bush been considered a good president, I think you still would have seen “our” generation suddenly more involved. The same goes for swinging. When we were 18 we didn’t care, when we were 23 we didn’t even have relationships from which to swing. In our 30’s, however, like the many many many generations before us, at about this time we have relationships, kids, friends with kids, and the frame of reference to think more deeply about things then we may have in the past. Swinging has been around since long before we were born, it hasn’t changed - we have.

Savannah: I think on some level it is appealing to most people, though the level differs based on the person.  I don’t know many women who have not at least thought about girl/girl sex.  Many people won’t act on the appeal, but there is something there even if they won’t admit it.  I also think that swinging is trendy right now because of shows like Swingtown.  For example, I logged in to my swinglifestyle profile the other day and it said that there were over 8000 new members this week.  I think as people become more and more aware of swing, they become curious.  Though many of the new members might never act on the idea, they are at least interested in finding out about it.

Foreplay is all the titillation that happens before sex, so there’s no need to wait until you’re in the bedroom to get started. Summer is such an amorous season, it basically begs for scantily clad couples everywhere to indulge in a little PDA. If you want to move the foreplay to a more public setting, here are some tips:

• Talk dirty to me. A little dirty talk is a great way to create anticipation for all the lovin’ that will go down later on. Whether you send secret naughty texts to each across the dinner table, or whisper a “you’re so hot” as you pass by to get another round of drinks, or describe what you are going to do to your partner once you get them home, suggestive talk will definitely get the libido going.

• Touch and go. The right touch in public can be quite arousing – especially if it is the perfect combination of affectionate and forbidden. A brush against her breasts or his package, a hand on the ass, a stroke down the back, or a nibble on the neck are all enticing moves that you can pull off in public to get your partner turned on. Many people get even more excited by so obviously being someone’s object of desire.

• The sneak-off. While you are out for dinner or a night of dancing, pull a quick sneak-off and steal a few moments of making out or light petting. The semi-public making out will turn your partner on, while the delicious delay of release will build all the more tension until you two lovebirds return home.

That’s this week’s foreplay tip - let your inner exhibitionist give public foreplay a try this weekend.

Image courtesy of David Boyle in DC used under Creative Commons.

1. Make a woman orgasm. Don’t settle for faking.

2. Get an amazing blowjob. You deserve it.

3. Take a finger in the butt. Confront all your homophobic and germophobic fears, and either dig in while masturbating, or let your brave partner do it.

4. Have a one night stand. Have one night of no strings attached sex, and while you’re at it, practice being cool and respectful about it.

5. Make love. Really be present, attentive, and vulnerable while having sex with someone, just like in the movies.

6. Ask for feedback. Don’t blindly go down her pants like an awkward teenager. Man up and ask how and where she likes to be touched.

7. Have sex in public. Have sex, or some form of sex play, in public, whether it be in the woods or in da club.

8. Share a sexual fantasy. Share a sexual fantasy you have with a partner, instead of letting it waste away inside.

9. Read erotica. They say that men are visual, but try to read some erotica to see if it gets you hot. Do it with a partner for double the fun.

10. Know female genitalia. The vagina is not the mysterious beyond; get a working knowledge of the clit, the inner and outer lips, the vagina, and the g spot.

11. Sleep with a much older woman. I knew cougars would come up. The older, more experienced woman is a classic fantasy … live it.

12. Sleep with a much younger woman. Ok, not much younger, we’re not advocating pedophilia. But a younger woman is also a classic fantasy, too. Just remember Dan Savage’s campfire rule.

13. Lick a butthole. Seriously. Surprise each other and toss her salad.

14. Get woken up with a blowjob. You’ll have to be a very good boy, or live with a morning person for this, but definitely a good experience to have before 30.

15. Trim your pubes. Grooming is not just for the ladies – get to manscaping.

16. Have sex with someone out of your league – in either direction.

17. Make a woman cum with no expectation of reciprocation. You will feel like a real man, and she will adore you for it.

18. Give someone a facial. Ah, the facial. It’s an inexplicable fantasy to me, but just do it and get it over with. Kidding. Some women are into it.

19. Have cybersex. If you haven’t had cybersex by age 30, then you probably came of age when there were still rotary phones and VCRs.

20. Mutual masturbation. Masturbate with someone – it satisfies all voyeur, exhibitionist, and instructional requirements. And it’s fun.

21. Be a safety guy. Find condoms that you like, carry them always, and don’t skip it because she seems “clean.”

22. Have a threesome or orgy. It may be all that you fantasized about, or it may be intimidating and lonely, but either way, give it a try.

23. Get over penis size. By this time, you should come to terms with your penis, however big or small, straight or crooked. There’s no magic pill or exercise or surgery that will give you porn star stature, but if you do the other 29 things on this list, your penis is working just fine for you.

24. Know how to turn a woman on. Often men are frustrated because they initiate sex in a way that doesn’t turn a woman on. Know how to turn her on so she gets in the mood.

25. Make a homemade porn. Make a porn, or just have a hot photo shoot. Then commit to never putting it up on the internet, especially out of revenge.

26. Just cuddle. Take the pressure to have sex off of yourself (and your partner), and just cuddle for a night.

27. Get punched in face while fucking. What can I say? My friends are really into Californication.

28. Go to a sex toy shop. Some men are threatened by sex toys, but they shouldn’t be. If you think of sex toys as the tools in your workshop of sex magic, you can make a woman really happy.

29. Have a masturbation repertoire. Don’t jack it the same way all the time (you know, in the shower in 30 seconds). Masturbate in different ways, using different pressure, pace, and textures (fine, you can steal a g-friend’s satin panties) in order to train your cock to respond to different sensations.

30. Pay attention to your sex life. Don’t go on autopilot once you have sex that you like. Keep learning, exploring, pushing your boundaries to keep your sex life exciting and to keep your partners happy, or you’ll wake up one day and find that sex has gotten boring. Don’t be the dude who constantly relives his high school football glory days, listens to Daughtry, and only has missionary sex on Fridays.

Tara: I haven’t had a complaint yet.

Doug: Yes, I am. I wasn’t always, and worked at it. I quite literally sat down with a willing partner (twisted her arm, huh?) and worked at it. I believe this is something that would need to be repeated with any new girl. While similar, all women are the same (much to my chagrin), but once you take the time, it’s less of a puzzle.

Savannah: No, hand play is my least favorite type of foreplay.  I prefer using my mouth.

Do you like handplay, or do you think it’s juvenile or unsatisfying?

Tara: I think that it’s good to a certain point. I mean, when things are hot and heavy, you just have to keep switching it up or I will get bored. A man can’t get me to orgasm just with his hands, and I certainly wouldn’t expect him to orgasm with me only doing something he can do himself.

Doug: Like it.

Savannah: I LOVE the way it makes me feel when my fiancé does it to me.  To be fair, though, I think for guys it is usually a better feeling to receive a blowjob than a handjob.

Do you agree that the other person will always be able to do it to themselves better?

Tara: No way. Sure, when there’s no one around to satisfy me, I know what I want and I know how to get it quickly. But as much as I would like to be, I’m not a contortionist (but if I were, no one would ever be able to get me out of the house).

Doug: There may be some things another person brings to the table that a person can never re-create, but pound for pound it’s not a fair fight. You know you best.

Savannah: No way!  I personally am not at all very good at playing with myself; it is always better for me when my partner fingers me than when I do it myself.  I know most people who say they don’t masturbate are lying, but for me it is just not something I have ever enjoyed.  Typically if I play with myself, it is to turn my fiancé on.

My fiancé and I were both in the lifestyle before we met. When we started dating, we agreed that we would stay out of the lifestyle for a while so that we could feel out our relationship. Even though we both had friends in the lifestyle, and continued to go to parties and clubs because that was where most of our friends were, we were not actually swinging. Once we felt that our relationship was ready for that, we began looking for friends who could become friends with benefits. Of course we had to go through all the 5 tips on the swinging lifestyle. Even though we had both been in the lifestyle before, we had to have the conversation about what we wanted for our relationship.

We have met some of our best friends in the lifestyle, including my best female friend. She is amazing. Now, she is in a new relationship with someone who is vanilla (the term swingers use for people who are not in the lifestyle), so she has decided to leave the lifestyle. I use this example because I want people to understand that the lifestyle is a choice. No one in the lifestyle will look down on you because you choose not to be a part of it, and all I ask is that you do not look down on those of us that do.

Since I got sick, I have learned a lot about whom my true friends are, and not all of them are the people I thought they would be. Many of the true friends who are there for me are the people I have met in the lifestyle. So my point here is that you can’t judge people based on their sex lives. Sometimes adding a person or couple to your relationship can truly enhance your sex life, but you will never know if you don’t try it.

The difference between swinging and a one night stand is that when you swing, you get to keep that person in your life. Everyone goes into the room knowing whom they are going home with and what they are looking to get out of it. With swinging, you can invite the other parties out for dinner the next week and everyone is still happy. As long as you stay within the boundaries set forth when you begin, everyone stays friends. As a matter of fact, I have a friend in the lifestyle that is always there for me when I need a ride to an appointment or just need to talk. The sex is great, but the friendship is better.

I advise anyone starting out in the lifestyle to choose their friendships carefully. Make sure before you meet someone that you have talked to them and trust that they will respect your wishes and privacy. Don’t be afraid to say no if you are not interested in meeting someone, but don’t expect to meet only Ken and Barbie types. This world takes all types to go around, and the swing lifestyle is no different.

1. Have an orgasm. There is definitely an orgasm gap that exists between men and women, but by the time you hit 30, you owe it to other women to help us shatter that glass ceiling. Use any means necessary – find a guy with tenacity and talent, masturbate like you’re Christopher Columbus, steal a jackhammer from a construction site – until you get it figured out.

2. Buy a sex toy. I think all women should have at least one sex toy, preferably a vibrator that can get you off solo in no time and that you can introduce to your partner for an amazing “threesome.”

3. Own lingerie. You should have at least one silky, see-through, or otherwise sexy thing that you feel great in, whether it be a vintage slip, a girly camisole and shorts set, or a leather bustier.

4. Be naked with confidence. Whether you’re having sex with the lights on or stripping down for skinny-dipping, you should feel good being naked.

5. Shave down there. If you’ve never tried shaving or waxing bald, give it a go. It provides totally different sensations, and gives you your own little secret.

6. Don’t shave down there. If you’ve been shaving/waxing since you saw your first Playboy, give it a break. Go au naturel for a bit, and experience the softness, low maintenance, and in-grown hair-free existence for a while.

7. Kiss a woman. This may not be for everyone, but if you’ve ever had a curiosity about the same sex, give it a try. Take advantage of the fact that sexual fluidity is becoming more mainstream, and find out if women really are better kissers than men (hint: they are).

8. Make safety a priority. You may have fallen prey to bad sex education and peer pressure in your teens, but by your twenties you need to take responsibility for your sexual health. Carry your own condoms, have a back-up birth control plan, and don’t back down under pressure or persuasion.

9. Have a one night stand. If you’re single, having a one night stand can be liberating, and it teaches you to separate sex and love, which don’t always have to go together.

10. Make love. Okay, so “make love” sounds corny, but have the kind of passionate, loving sex you daydream about – complete with eye-gazing, touching, kissing, whispering.

11. Have a quickie. Sometimes you just want to get off quickly, but there is an art to doing it with a partner. Learn how to have a quickie by 30, and you’ll be all the better prepared should you have kids running around in your future.

12. Give a great blowjob. Even if blowjobs aren’t always on your menu, it is worthwhile to know how to give a great blowjob, just to know the joy and power there is to be had in oral sex.

13. Try anal play. I say this as a person who is not a fan of anal action, but it’s definitely worth trying some form of anal play just to experience the different sensations it brings. You might be surprised by how much you like it.

14. Have sex outside. Whether you want to have sex under the stars or in the alley behind the club, indulge in the exhilarating rush that is semi-public sex outside.

15. Share a sexual fantasy. Tell a sexual partner at least one sexual fantasy, especially if it’s one that you think you would try out together. Opening up and sharing adds another dimension to your sex life.

16. Write an erotic letter/email/story. Send a dirty email to a long-distance lover or write an erotic short story on your own to explore your fantasies and express yourself sexually.

17. Master dirty talk. Dirty talk doesn’t require a whole new vocabulary, just some creativity and confidence. Add dirty talk to any of your sex moves to double his pleasure.

18. Give a lap dance. Perform a strip tease or lap dance for a partner. It’s okay if you end up laughing together, sex will still likely follow.

19. Have sex blindfolded. Experience the heightened sensations and anticipation that comes from doing it blindfolded.

20. Find porn or erotica that turns you on. If your first experience with porn was less than exciting, give it another try and find one that does turn you on, or get an erotica collections that you can rely on for arousal. There’s a tremendous variety of both erotica and porn available online, so you’re no longer limited to the blonde-haired-fake-boobs kind.

21. Give a partner feedback. By the time you’re 30, you should be able to give a partner feedback on what you like in bed and what you need to orgasm.

22. Nurture sexual fantasies. Don’t let your fantasy life disappear in your ever-busier real life. Find time to nurture sexual fantasies to keep your mind and your libido active.

23. Masturbate. Whether or not you’re single, there’s always room for a solo sex life.

24. Feel sexy. You may not feel sexy all the time, but have an idea of what outfit, attitude, or environment makes you feel sexiest, and work that knowledge to your advantage.

25. Love your body. By the time you’re 30, you should try to find peace with your body, whatever shape it is. Don’t let body image ruin your sex life. Focus on your assets and the pleasure your body brings, and minimize flaws and hang-ups.

26. Initiate sex. You should be able to make the first move by the time you’re 30.

27. Try the reverse cowgirl … or any other sexual position that puts you in control and in the spotlight, if you’re not into the country-western thing.

28. Know how to turn a man on. Don’t always wait passively to be seduced; know how to turn him on.

29. Have an innocent make out. Make out like you did when you were in high school, with no goals or need to do more than just kiss the person you’re with for what seemed like hours. If you’re single, this can prolong the juicy sexual tension. If you’re coupled off, a nice make out session can put the spark and anticipation back in your sex life.

30. Pay attention to your sex life. Don’t let stress, insecurities, or distractions push your sex life down the priority list. Be attentive to your sexual needs, and avoid falling into a rut of boring sex or no sex at all. (Yes, solo sex counts). Sex is a joyous, healthy part of life that shouldn’t be neglected as you get older.